They drive me crazy...

I wish I had it in me, but I just don't. I cannot be a full time mother. As much as I love my kids, and I do- very very much!, they are driving me crazy. And it's only been a week on my own. Not even. I'd like to meet a full time mom who loved her role as full time mom more than anything else. I know there are some of you out there. Maybe if you told me what it is you do that makes 'it' bearable it would help me understand how to deal with my two terrors 24/7 and appreciate this time a bit more. I honestly have good intentions. I even bought playdoh and art and craft materials last week to paint and make Christmas decorations with William. Emma seems content sitting on the floor eating fishies most of the day. Yet when it comes to actually doing things neither cooperate and eventually one starts crying, the other throws a strop and we all end up annoyed. Me more than them. 

This morning Johnny Drama was throwing fits before he even got out of bed. I understand that moving country must be a shock to them and that maybe this is his way of dealing with change, but it would be so much nicer if I wasn't around to witness it ALL day. 

Yesterday was one of the coldest days I have ever experienced in my 31 years. We set out really early (to avoid the New York last weekend before Christmas crowds) to get some last minute Christmas presents but twenty minutes into our walk both kids had hibernated into a complete state of shock and I could hardly feel my legs. It was 22 deg fahrenheit;  -5 deg celsius. WTF? Seriously? And that was in the sun. We found Bloomingdales (which I have to say is not one of my favourite stores) bought a few North Face jackets for the kids and came home for the rest of the day. Trying to entertain two small children in a very small non baby friendly serviced apartment with limited toys is proving quite hard. I hope Pete's company understand and appreciate my children's creativity and their crayon drawings all over the walls, fridge door and TV. Would I cope better in my own space or should I resign myself to the fact that I just don't like looking after my kids all day? Does that make me a bad mother? and a bad person? 

I am looking very very deep for inspiration and calmness, to remind myself that they are beautiful small human beings who probably know nothing of what's going on at the moment and that I should be more understanding to their vulnerability, but amongst the bread sticks, broken toys, fruit loops hiding in the carpet, continuous repeats of Fireman Sam and the annoying repetitiveness of me shouting 'Don't do that' I cant seem to remain a nice person. 

I want to explore this beautiful city but I know that as soon as I've layered each of them up, packed the pram, got myself together and out the door I'll regret leaving the warmth and comforts of the apartment with two needy children who do not enjoying sightseeing as much as me. 

Big big Sigh! 

Maybe I should put it down to Monday blues, missing my home comforts, family and friends. Tomorrow will be better.